Thursday, June 28, 2007

Top Ten Movie Badasses: Plural Movie Edition

You may be asking yourself, plural movie edition? Yes, to qualify for this list the character has had to have appeared in more then one movie. For example, William Wallace is not eligible, he's been in one flick. El Mariachi however has been in three, he is completely eligible, and in this list as well. Yes, watching Live Free or Die Hard inspired this last night and now I bring it to you.

Honorable Mention
Snake Plisken (Kurt Russell) Escape Series
Richard B. Riddick (Vin Diesel) Pitch Black Series
Gabriel (Christopher Walken) The Prophecy Series
Aragorn (Viggo Mortenson) Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Ash (Bruce Campbell) Evil Dead Trilogy
Mad Max (Mel Gibson) Mad Max Series

10. The Bride (Uma Thurman) Kill Bill 1&2-Didn't expect to see a woman on this list did you? The woman took down every single obstacle that came in front of her, was reunited with her child that she didn't even know existed and word has it that this is not the last of The Bride, we very well may see much more of her and her daughter in the near future if the studios get their way.

9. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) Conan Series -I had to put the King of Kings on this list, how could I not? I may not have the courage to mock Crom, but this was Arnold at his best. Be it Barbarian or Destroyer, Conan is definitely the cock of the walk. I mean, he beheaded James Earl Jones in front of all his followers. How can you not get behind a warrior who answers what is best in life with, "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." Now THAT is truly bad ass.

8. Sergeant Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) Lethal Weapon Series-You all know you have a secret love for the Lethal Weapon series. It was a great blend of action and comedy and reinvented the buddy comedy/action movie. Riggs was insane, loved getting out of a straight jacket, eating dog food, harassing the psychiatrist, and driving his partner up the wall. He over came ever romantic obstacle he came across (see women keep dying on him) to finally knock up Rene Russo. He took on every comer, got his ass kicked by Jet Li, and still somehow managed to walk away.

7. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) Alien Series-TWO women on this list, see you REALLY didn't see that coming. I'm sorry boys, but men don't have the corner on the market when it comes to bad assery. Ellen Ripley has blown up a spaceship, nuked a planet, turned convicts around, all the while doing a better the job then the Marine Corps, HOO-RAH! Sure, she started slow, but who can deny that it is hard to find someone who kicked more ass the last twenty minutes of movie like she did in Aliens. I'm not going to hold Alien Resurrection against her, technically that wasn't her, that was a clone.

6. Han Solo (Harrison Ford) Star Wars Trilogy-Of course Han Solo has to make it onto this list. Come on, didn't we all want to be Han Solo growing up? No one cared about being Luke Skywalker, we all wanted to be Han Solo because he was cool and in the end got the girl. The man survived becoming a rock slab for crying out loud! He beat Colt 45 at a game a cards and got the best starship in the universe this side of 1990. His best friend is a wookie, and apparently only he can understand him, how much more bad ass can you get? Oh, if it wasn't for him the Death Star never would have been blown up, both times.

5. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas/Carlos Gallardo) El Mariachi Trilogy-The only character on this list that was played by two separate actors, one must truly be bad ass to accomplish that. Of course you saw the original actor in Desperado as one of his friends, but Antonio is still what most people think about when it comes to El Mariachi. He exudes that coolness that this character wouldn't be half as fun without. I mean the man romanced Salmea Hayek for crying out loud, all the while having to fight Danny Trejo who was making him into a pin cushion with throwing knives. He had to take down his own brother and William Dafoe, do you need more evidence? Ok, fine, how many of you STILL to this day want a guitar case full of guns?

4. The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood) Man With No Name Trilogy-He was called by something different in each film, but it has always been refereed to as the man with no name. It has been said that The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is one of the most influential movies of all time. Without a doubt it is probably the most influential western of all time, at least with the current directors in Hollywood. It currently ranks as the top rated action film on IMDB. The man was as cold as ice, smooth and calculating, and always managed to pull something out of his ass. From the modified bullet proof vest to the rock with nothing written on it, the man always has a plan.

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis) Die Hard Series-The man was what we made the mold of Jack Bauer after, a one man army against terrorist, terrorism, and anything that threatens life, liberty, and the right to kick ass! He has blown up an office building, demolished a major airport, walked around Harlem with his life on the line, and saved the US from going into the darkages. All the while he has had to deal with a wife who doesn't appreciate his heroics and estranged children, no matter how many times he saves their collective asses. The guy was snark before the term was even coined, brought the trash talking during the fight to a whole new level that only Deadpool can reach.

2. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) Indiana Jones Series-Yes, the good doctor of archeology comes in number two. I wonder who it could be who has beaten a man who brought whips into style so much a song was written about it. The man smart enough to bring a gun to a sword fight, was able to prevent his heart being taken out of his chest, and has fucked every single hot female in the 40s. His is also a one man army against the Third Reich, had the balls to get Hitler's autograph, and still ruin all his plans. You know how much money that baby is worth now on eBay, those Nazi product folks would love that shit, sadly you can't have it, it leads to the Holy Grail. He didn't need an army of knights to find it like Arthur, this bookworm found it with the help of a book. Also, let us not forget an important part, Jesus found him worthy and he chose wisely.

1. Bond, James Bond (Sean Connery/Roger Moore/Timothy Dalton/Pierce Brosnan/Daniel Craig/George Lazenby) Bond Films-Of course the ultimate bad ass of all time is James Bond, how can it not be? We don't need to talk about the shear numbers of Bond films there are, let us now discuss what we can consider. For me, other then Sean Connery and Daniel Craig, the others can all blow. Roger Moore never looked the part to me, he always seemed too soft. Dalton definitely wasn't pretty enough, I mean who could buy him getting any kind of woman? Brosnan was too pretty, I could buy the woman part, just not the action hero aspect of it all. Lazenby, eh who cares, has anyone actually ever watched that movie anyways? Now Daniel Craig, he looks like he could fuck any woman and rip your throat out at the same time. Then of course, there is the man who is and always will be Bond to us, Sean Connery. Does anything else really need to be said?


Dean said...

Tank Girl. If you want a woman for your list, the Bride is good, but I have a soft spot in my heart for Tank Girl.

Anonymous said...

Where's Rambo?

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